Exchange of ideas at "Neowin"
Q: What is an exchange of opinions at a Neowin Members meeting?
A: Members go to the meeting with their own opinions and leave with Mods and Neobond's Opinions.

Bank Problems
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and
the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up
and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will
likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended
after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja
Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report
that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared
that staff may get a raw deal.

Marriage
An interview with an 80 year old woman:

An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interview looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained: "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Deaf Genie
A man walked into a bar with a paper bag. He sat down and placed the bag on the counter. The bartender walked up and asked what's in the bag.
The man reached into the bag and pulled out a little man, about one foot high, and set him on the counter.

He reached back into the bag and pulled out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reached into the bag once again and pulled out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sat down at the piano and played a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that?" Says the bartender. The man responded by again reaching into the paper bag, pulling out a magic lamp.

He handed it to the bartender and said: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubbed the lamp. Suddenly there was a gust of smoke, and a genie stood before him. "I will grant you one wish" said the genie. "Just one wish.........each person is only allowed one"

The bartender got excited. Without hesitating he said, "I want a million bucks!".

A few moments later, a duck walked into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks, and they kept coming.

The bartender turned to the man and said, "I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"I know", says the man, "do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Spurs Fan
A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every spurs fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their white shirts.
He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.
"No problem Father. I'll give you a lift. Climb in!" The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.
Suddenly the driver saw a spurs fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the Censored priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the dingle.
However even though he was certain he missed him, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that spurs fan."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the idiot with the door!"


The Accident
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"
"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, madam," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles, that was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."


Paddy Murphy
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That 'e did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what 'e had, and a terrible lickin' 'e gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself; didn't you have something in your hand?"

"Ach! That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing o' beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


FBI Job Opening
The FBI  had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI  agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


Little Man
A man walked into a bar with a paper bag. He sat down and placed the bag on the counter. The bartender walked up and asked what's in the bag.

The man reached into the bag and pulled out a little man, about one foot high, and set him on the counter.

He reached back into the bag and pulled out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reached into the bag once again and pulled out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sat down at the piano and played a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that?" Says the bartender. The man responded by again reaching into the paper bag, pulling out a magic lamp.

He handed it to the bartender and said: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubbed the lamp. Suddenly there was a gust of smoke, and a genie stood before him. "I will grant you one wish" said the genie. "Just one wish.........each person is only allowed one"

The bartender got excited. Without hesitating he said, "I want a million bucks!".

A few moments later, a duck walked into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks, and they kept coming.

The bartender turned to the man and said, "I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"I know", says the man, "do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"


Change your name
This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star. Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name".

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck; who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke


Bush and Cheney have Lunch
President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a restaurant. Cheney orders the heart-healthy salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says, “Honey could I have a quickie?" The waitress is horrified. "Mr. President," she says, "I thought your new administration was bringing a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see what a false promise that was." As she marches off in a huff, Cheney leans over and says, "George, it's pronounced quiche."


What is Love Juice?
A seven yr old boy came home from school and said that all his friends have a tv in their bedroom, could he have one.

His parents said 'No' and after listening to the reasons why not went away.

He asked again on a weekly basis and to keep him quiet was told he could have one on his eighth birthday.

On his eighth birthday, true to their word, a tv was bought and installed by the parents and from then on they barely saw him. His homework was done and he went to watch tv until coming down for supper and saying goodnight.

About six months later he put his head round the door unexpectedly and said "What's lovejuice?"

His parents looked at each other, they knew that questions like this would be put from time to time and vowed to always answer them as accurately and fully as appropriate to his age. His father took him into the dining room and explained all about flowers, the birds and bees and human relationships. After half an hour he asked his son if he understood what he had said and if he had any questions.

His son looked thoughtful and said he understood it all and had no questions.

His father asked him, out of interest, what tv programme was he watching when he heard this term.

His son replied,

'Wimbledon'

Difference between a man and a woman
What you tell a man goes in one ear and out the other.

What you tell a woman goes in both ears and out the mouth.

Half Wit
A man owned a small farm in Indiana. The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who 's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the Agent.


"That would be me," replied the farmer.


Funny Wife
Was doing some work around the house with my wife.
I asked her to get the air compresser, and she asked me "What does that do?"
I explained "Well, it blows out air at a fast rate."
She said "oh, so does your a$$. Just use that."