Clouch's Clout Headed Nails
A wealthy but down-to-earth scrap metal merchant started a new line of business by recycling metal to produce nails for common DIY jobs. He called his product 'Clough's Clout Headed Nails, but in the first year they didn't sell too well so he decided to advertise. But how do you advertise nails? Very difficult - but he used his imagination.

His first advert caused media outrage. It depicted the Good Friday crucifixion scene with a caption below - 'For a really good job, use Clough's Clout Headed Nails'. 50,000 telephone complaints were made in one day, he was obliged to issue a statement. 'Don't worry, he told the press. Next week I'll run a more sensitive advert'

Next week the advert appeared in a modified form. It depicted the same three crosses, this time empty!. In the distance however, three bearded figures in loin cloths were seen running for the hills. The new caption read 'This wouldn't have happened if they'd used Clough's Clout Headed Nails'.

Atypical Blonde
These two Newfie men are packing some scalfolding away and they have one long pole left to put on the lorry. They are not sure it will fit.
"How tall do you think it is?" says one.
"I don't know" says the other.
A blonde is walking by so they ask her "how tall do you think this pole is?
She tells them she will get out her tape measure. She does this and measures it.
"It is 7 metres long." she says, with that she puts away her tape measure and walks off.
"Typical blonde!" says one of the men, "we wanted to know how tall it is and she tells us how long."

Talking Duck
A duck goes into a pub and asks for a pint of beer and a sandwich.
The barman says "but your a duck... and you can talk..."
The duck says "Yes, I'm a duck, and I talk. Look, I work on the building site over the road and I only get half an hour lunch break. Can I have my beer and sandwich?"
So the barman serves him and the duck returns every day at the same time. The barman builds up a relationship with the duck, talks to him about all manner of things and looks forward to the ducks lunch break.
One day a circus comes to town. The circus boss goes to the pub to ask if they will allow the circus to be advertised in the pub. The barman says to the circus owner "You've got to see this duck that comes in here everyday for a beer and a sandwich. He can talk and everything. He'd be brilliant in your circus!"
The Circus owner says "Sounds interesting, tell him to come and see me, might be a good job for him"
Next time the duck goes to the pub the barman says "Hey, I might have set you up. The circus down the road think they could give you a good job."
The duck is bemused. "The circus? What that one that just set up down the road?"
"Yes, that's the one."
"What the one with the big tent with ethe pole coming out of the top?"
"Yes, you got to go and see them..."
"Well, I'll be buggered... What the heck do they need a plasterer in there for?"

Today on the bus...
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Dancing Duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the fire under the pot?"

Irish Diet
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this Procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my Instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from the blimey skippin", the Irishman said.

Cowboy
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had ben stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Don't Cheat on a Blonde
A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun.
She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She took the gun and put it to her head.
The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replied, "Shut up ... you're next!"

Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best-- everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, D.C., shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. They have no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM . " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Delivery Guy
The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of his factory. He noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate, so he angrily asked, “Just how much are you being paid?”

“$200 a week,” replied the young man between yawns.

The irate owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off ten $20 bills, and shouted at the young man, “Here’s a week’s pay. Now get out!” Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and ambled away. The owner turned to the warehouse manager and asked, “How long has that lazy bum worked for us?”

“He didn’t work for us,” replied the manager. “He was just delivering a package.”

Loving Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Hell will freeze over when...
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.

He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."

Gorilla
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers" He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the concerned and confused homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the pit bull."

Dog Rules for Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don't pee on the tree... Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree... Mind your tail when you are near the tree... If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't trip them open... And Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans. Don't eat off the buffet table. Beg for goodies subtly. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa -- they don't know any better. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it...

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!!

For The Last Time
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

GOD made Earth in seven days ...
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by GOD's work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth!!! There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline.
The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth idiots I'm putting next to them."

FOOOOOOOOOOREEEEEEEEEEE!
Three men were playing golf one day. The first man teed off and the ball landed right in the water hazard. He walked to the edge of the water and made a parting motion with his hands. The water parted, he walked to the bottom of the hazard and chipped the ball onto the fairway. His two partners said, "Nice shot, Moses!"

The second man teed off and His ball also landed in the water hazard. He walked up to the hazard, walked out on the water, His ball rose to the surface and He chipped the ball onto fairway. His two partners said, "Nice shot, Jesus!"

The third mad teed off, His ball sliced far left, bounced off a tree and light pole before it landed on the clubhouse roof. It rolled into the rain gutter, down the downspout, emerged at the bottom and bounced down the sidewalk. A squirrel saw the ball, ran from its tree, grabbed the ball and scurried back to its nest. A hawk saw the squirrel, swooped down, grabbed it and flew away. The hawk and the squirrel flew directly over the green where the squirrel dropped the ball and, PLOP, nothin' but cup. Jesus said, "Nice shot, Dad!"

I want a loan!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this" and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

How to outwit the Police
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver:b> It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sun of a gun told you I was speeding, too, eh?

Einstein's Chauffeur
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Train Ride
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married." The man happily says, "OK. Brilliant!" The woman says "Good ... get your own blanket."

Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

New Language in Europe...
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!

Super Granny!!!
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.
And then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed

Life's a Test ... And your Graded on a curve
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
-At age 12, success is... having friends.
--At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
---At age 20, success is... having sex.
----At age 35, success is... having money.
----At age 50, success is... having money.
---At age 60, success is... having sex.
--At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
-At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

No Pets Allowed
Two men, Don and Frank have walked their dog's along the same route every day for years but never talked.
One day Don approached Frank and said, "You know, we see each other everyday but never talk." So Don and Frank became really good friends and came across a bar neither of them had ever been to before. There was a sign that stated "NO PETS ALLOWED EXCEPT SEEING-EYE DOGS."
Frank said "Lets find another bar and go there."
Don said "No, follow my lead and we can go there".
Don put on dark sunglasses and walked into the bar.
The bartender questioned the greyhound seeing-eye dog, but Don said, "Oh greyhounds are very loving loyal and smart", and the bartender let him in. Frank followed suit, and when the bartender questioned the Chihuahua Frank simply stated, "They gave me a Chihuahua!?!"

Final Farewell
A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family: "To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

The Lawyer
A lawyer got out of his expensive sportscar, when suddenly a truck came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage.
"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he shrieked.
"You lawyers are so materialistic," retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your car that you haven't noticed your injured wrist!"
"Oh no!" replied the lawyer looking down. "I broke my Rolex!"

Letter home
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$, and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love,Your $on

Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task. You can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Blonde Thanksgiving
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself.

The next day her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey," said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"